Well, I thought I'd venture out all by myself today. It was such a gorgeous day it seemed a waste sitting indoors. I had done it once with PB so was feeling confident. I mean, it's about a two minute walk from our house. It can't be that hard. Right? Right?
I packed up a blanket and my new copy of Lula and was ready to go. On the way BB fell asleep in the sling. Not uncommon. I found a nice patch of grass in dappled sunlight, with a group of mums behind me on one side and angsty teenagers on the other.
BB woke to being placed on the blanket and was NOT happy. I held her over my shoulder and she continued to grizzle. She had been fed not that long ago but I thought I'd give the boobie a try. It worked for about 3 minutes until she pulled off and I sprayed milk everywhere. Slightly embarrassed I tucked the boobie away and cleaned us up. I tried again twice with the same result and then gave up on that plan. The teenagers behind me giggled at my failed attempts. Ok, they probably didn't even notice me sitting there but that's what it felt like at the time. A cute little tot ran up beside me and was quickly whisked away by his apologetic mum. I wanted to leave but felt a bit stupid considering I had only been there all of about 10 minutes, so I sucked it up. After a while I could hear the ladies behind me rounding up their kidlets. Right, I thought, I'll wait for them to go and then I'll leave.
I don't really know why I cared so much. Everyone must have their moments of unsettled children but for some reason, this afternoon left me feeling a bit sad. Which is silly, I know.
Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.
PS. I was interviewed for Week O'Mamas at the legendary Mama Mogantosh. Have a read here if you like!
don't feel sad! even the best plans go awry.. you were probably just on such a high from the sunny weather & getting out & about that it's a bummer it didn't work out. that and interrupted sleep can upset the best of us :)
ReplyDeleteI think it is totally normal to feel a bit sad when you look forward to something and someone else just isn't in the mood. Also, there is something so confronting about a gaggle of teenagers. Do you think their angst has radiation-like properties? Perhaps it is just the lingering memories of the insecurities of that age projected. Who knows, but I always feel awkwardly exposed in their presence.
ReplyDeleteNext time will be better, right?
Lovely blankie by the way! (Cute baby too!)
I totally know how you feel. It was a big deal for me to get out and about with my first little one and if it didn't go even remotely according to plan I wondered what I'd done wrong for it not to go without tears from me or her. Before you have babies you can do a million things at once, but have a baby and just getting dressed and leaving the house to put the garbage out is front page news. Don't fret though. Don't have any expectations, just take whatever you get. That in itself is a lesson that took me till my second to understand fully, but it does get easier, I promise.
ReplyDeleteI always feel weirdly intimatidated by groups of teenagers. Maybe because they don't appear to be intimidated by anything. Babies/toddlers/children and teenagers being anything other than perfect in public is difficult. And I find it hard to keep the calm I would manage at home where I don't feel (wrongly I'm sure) that everyone is watching me. Not that I'm wrong about people watching me at home, but about people watching me in public! I hope no one is watching me at home... When things aren't going to plan with Matilda I talk to her constantly and try to block out everyone else. This keeps me focused in my little bubble. There will always be crappy times but the brilliant times are that much more brilliant. And they often occur in the same day!! Love xxx
ReplyDeleteAnna! don't worry, that happens sometimes! and well done for even making it out of the house! oh, babies (and toddlers) can be hard to please at times!
ReplyDeleteThe 1st few times on your own are daunting, but I'm sure Rosie enjoyed the fresh air and different environment...
ReplyDeleteAnd don't worry about the other ladies, you are doing a fantastic job...
I remember the milk spray incidents!! I hit the curtains one morning and my husband was shocked then amazed. Powerful stuff, that baby juice :)
I just love your honesty. She was probably feeding off your energy. You were a bit nervous which made her feel a bit nervous. She is so in tune with you at this age. I think we can all relate.
ReplyDeleteDear Anna,
ReplyDeleteI discovered your blog just before the birth of Rose, and the birth of my 3rd boy (one month ago now). This morning, my 5 y.o. asked me to go to the toy museum... "Well, I answered honestly, I still don't feel confortable to go out with the three of you". He didn't answered, but I think he understood.
Then I read your blog and I saw myself five years ago with that very same boy. I had the same reserves you have. I remember my husband going grocery shopping with him (so little and breastfed)while I could barely take him in the parc in front of our appartment.
But it gets better. Fortunately. It's all new and everybody goes its own pace.
Take your time, you make a good team with your little one :)
Dear Anna,
ReplyDeleteDon't feel sad. I mean, feel sad, but know that you're not alone! I too have been through that awkward stage when plans are thrown to the wind, and I've wanted to up and leave but then feared I look ridiculous.
When in these positions I always think - I am NEVER going to see these people again. The chances of seeing these people are pretty darn slim!
I struggled with breastfeeding with Noah. Oh man, to go out into the public breastfeeding him with a nipple shield - I felt like a fembot. It was HORRIBLE. Still makes me feel that way.
Once we've moved, maybe I can come over your way. We can cake and chai ourselves 'til the cows come home. I can be your own personal boobie guard (get it, get it. ok that was just a bit weird). It's a date.
Oh, yes, PMM, I remember the fembot nipple shield too. Mine, that is, not yours. I wasn't stalking you, honest, except that once and the courts said not to discuss it outside of- crap.
ReplyDeleteSorry Anna.
This post is beautifully written - takes me straight back. For me, it took a while to re-calibrate my sense of self. The shifts are so profound: from single person to baby-incubator, to mama-of-newborn, where this person is so, so attached to you they may as well still be inside.
It's so intimate it can sometimes be strange taking that public.
But, too, it's so beautiful, that stage of being separate humans, but only just. Don't you think? You and Rosie, hangin' in the park, having a sort of nervous little picnic - just the two of you, together. It gets easier, cause you get more used to it, but there's something magic about the early, nervous days...
It will get SO much easier. The going out, the nursing while out. I've sprayed milk many a places. I would get super flustered, which made it worse. When I look back though, it's still a memory I have of me and my sweet girl. And you know what? We've all been there.
ReplyDeleteoh gosh, the adventures of being a new mom. I am so nervous that I won't even be as courageous as you. Love your blog and your gorgeous photos. Little Rosemary is a gem :-)
ReplyDeleteOh this post took me back to when Luke was a few weeks old and I went down to our local Woollies for the firts time ever with babe in sling. He wasn't happy about it at all and I ended up running through my grocery shopping just to get the basics. I was uncomfortable and embarassed about the fact I couldn't settle him. I doubt very much I the noise was bothering anyone but to me it was very disconcerting and confronting that I couldn't work out why he was so unhappy. You just have to go with the flow Anna, their will be times you feel like this but others where you feel like you have finally gotten this whole mothering thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm still learning and my eldest turns 5 next week.
Have a happy day
Engracia
xx
oh yeah, been there! the kids get better at embarrassing me and I get better at shrugging it off.
ReplyDeleteI try to cloak myself in a gentle humor when my cloak of cool composure gets blown. Other mums are nearly always watching with on with empathy and understanding (least they should be!) And as for the teenagers... well I know who I would rather be!
Newly discovered your blog. Love, love it. It's just so beautiful, calming, empowering somehow, I don't know how to put it into words..
ReplyDeleteNo advice, just wanted to say I remember that time. With my first being terrified to go anywhere by myself. What would I do when he cried? (More than once the answer was pack everything up and head straight for home). What would people think? I don't remember how, when, why but one day very soon your outings will be no sweat and something new will be the hard thing. The beauty of mummyhood. Now I feel wistful just thinking back. Congratulations on your sweet baby girl. Enjoy, take care x
Oh, I hear you on the excursion-gone- wrong front. I've had a few of those, that result in me feeling exposed, disheartened and a little disempowered. I think for me, a lot of it comes down to letting go of things going accordingly to plan. I guess as professional women we are used to being in control of our jobs, our lives etc, and when little nuggets come along they change all this. I've found this to be the biggest challenge thus far. Slowly but surely getting there. In any case, know you are not alone. You did manage to snap a beautiful photo of little Rosie though xx
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie I know how you were feeling. First time mums or mum of four feel exactly the same way you did/do. When I had one I didn't know how I was going to manage, then another one came along and I didn't know how I was going to cope with two (it never ends) BUT you do and you will, with time. Give yourself some time, you will be an expert in no time. I stare at mummies sometimes who have babies cause I remember those times, they were good times for me and I do get cluck. I don't look to judge, just think that that is what they were doing that day. Keep going out on your own...don't be afraid by what happened for your first time. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteEveryone forgives a newbie. In fact those other mums were probably all sitting there sighing and clucking over your wee 'un and remembering when. On my first walk out with my tiny twins in the giant double pram, I felt like the world was watching everytime I went over a bump or tripped over my toe. Even the light seemed glarier and strange. The self consciousness lessens and the normality of it sinks in. This too shall pass and soon you'll be juggling BB and the groceries and bike and some interesting sticks you found and not even thinking about it!
ReplyDeleteDon't feel silly ... there's plenty of time when they're teens for that. You did A-OK. Really. Honest. Don't beat yourself up. Look at all the supportive words here. You can have another crack, and another and another and another. Honest, there's time.
ReplyDeleteAnna I really relate to how you were feeling, I was very anxious with my first bubba, and on some days so worried about being in public it was bordering on paranoid I'm sure! It's the strangest thing how new babies turn us to jelly. Then I'd get home and feel all dissapointed and annoyed at myself for being flustered. Crazy stuff, but very normal for new mums so thanks for sharing ;) xxx
ReplyDeleteoh lovely, I know how you feel. I do the same thing and I have no idea why I really care what others think. But there has been many times where i sucked back the tears, only to want to roll on the ground with the little ones and have my own tantrum. I am still like it today, second time around. It is like I enjoy the chaos slapping me in the face. I know it would be easier to pack in the towel and walk.....ok kind of run home with my tail in between my legs. I hope you and BB got home ok. HUGS to you MB and BB. she looks divine in her rose nature baby top! xoxo
ReplyDeleteAhhhhh Anna, the 1st 12 weeks are the hardest, it will get easier, promise, i think you are doing SO much & SO well, the 1st 7 weeks with Milla i never ventured anywhere - just stayed right at home, besides hospital & clinic visits!
ReplyDeletex
I've so been there! I hardly left the house for three months because of my angst about sweet baby C crying and me feeling stuck somewhere with no remedy. And then there was driving in the car and C crying in her car seat. It was awful. But it started to get better every month - now she is almost 10 months old and it is much easier to travel and go places. Plus, my heart doesn't feel like it's being ripped out of my body when she cries - I can handle it much better and she seems much more resilient and confident too about our routines and patterns in the day :-) Plus, I'm sure that the presence of the teenagers didn't help. Always brings me back to high school angst, which I would rather forget and leave in the past. You're doing a great job which is your very best and these moments come and go.
ReplyDeleteI loved that blanket! Did you do it?
ReplyDelete