I mentioned recently that the next thing I will lose is my mind. Today I almost got there.
I was talking to a good friend yesterday about expectations – and that as a mother to avoid frustration and disappointment it's better to have very little, if any. I have begun to put this into practice, but still find myself thinking I can achieve more than I'm capable of – which truth be told isn't very much.
I am lucky with her sleeping. Co-sleeping ensures that she sleeps through the night (albeit attached to my breast). It also means that until I go to bed she will stir every so often. Some nights are worse than others, but the evening sees me intermittently on human-dummy duty. PB was out last night and I didn't have too much on the agenda. Dinner and then if she allows I'll do some work and catch up on some emails. No expectations. Right?
Wrong. Dinner was an expectation that little BB was intent on shattering. Over an hour to cook some steak and broccoli. In retrospect it's not even that bad, but after 7 months of not having a break I was about to break. At one point I bit into my upper arm so hard to stop myself from screaming. Felt great at the time but I wouldn't recommend it. Teeth marks aren't a good look.
This morning I thought I felt better, but by midday I was again beside myself with despair. And for no good reason. PB's family had come to visit so I thouht that would be the perfect time to have a meltdown. Because really, that's not awkward at all.
Much needed me time happened there and then. I excused myself – actually, they just left while I hid in the bedroom crying – and I headed out for a couple of hours. I got myself a magazine. Sat at a cafe and had a coffee. Went for a walk. Looked in some shops. Tried on some clothes. Got back in touch with PB and all was good, I could have another hour. So I went and got myself some kerazy blue toes and soaked up that massage chair.
And damn I feel good tonight. Lighter. Happier. My dinner got interupted again several times, but it didn't bother me at all.
PS. Saltwater Sandals now available in kids and adult sizes at Little Pinwheel. (They ship internationally, too).
PPS. I've not been that into it lately, but I have to say I really enjoyed the current issue of Russh Magazine.
this is lovely!
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling you Anna. It only takes me a few hours of alone time to completely restore what feels like a broken emotional state... amazing really. As Rosie gets older you'll be able to add a few more hours to those time-outs - for me, it's a whole day I need. Solo movie, coffee and trashy mags, maybe trawl a few op shops..then I'm good for another four months. In the short term, apply more chocolate.
ReplyDeleteOh man. Being a Mum is Bloody Hard Work. Relentless. And sometimes those darker moments can be scary ... a pedicure in a massage chair sounds very delightful. xx
ReplyDeleteEveryone says it, and it is terribly hard to believe when you're in the thick of it - but, "this too shall pass". Your little BB will grow into a fierce toddler before you know it, and you'll be nostalgic for these early, snuggly days of no down-time.
ReplyDeleteReassuring, but difficult to grasp. I write this, standing here swaying slightly, my feet aching, holding my littlest lovely as she drifts off to sleep. I had a meltdown earlier - I haven't sat down to a meal in 4mnths - but small measures of 'me time' are restorative and Mummy's work is never done.
Timetable in your next lot of 'me time' before you bite your arm :)
Lovely, as always, to read you.
be easy on yourself, anna. the part nobody tells you about when you are awaiting your baby is how much work it is, how many tears you will cry, that you may actually consider setting your hair on fire, how no one seems to remember what it is like to have a baby c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y in your arms. go easy, muma.
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to get a little 'me' time and I glad you got a little break today. Sometimes mums think it is not a good idea to get away from their children but I think it keeps you sane, no matter what age your children are.
ReplyDeleteoh lovely.... think of those beautiful dolphins. think of my not so awesome toe nail colour. think of taj and his "booooooobie." think about the fact sunday morning I am totally yours, you are totally mine. we are going to rock that cafe date.
ReplyDeleteyou are awesome! you are a beautiful mummy, and I love you! xx
I lost it last night too. Am on my own with the mini-beasts this week and last night after three hours of rocking a crying baby in my arms I had to put him down (screaming... both of us) and hit things (not him). Many tears. So glad you managed to get out, I can't wait to get out and I know exactly what you mean about wanting/expecting to do more. Arrgghhh, it's, it's... what is it??? It's not easy. Well done us for getting out of bed in the morning. Much love to you xxx
ReplyDeletesorry to hear its been so tough. I am so glad you got the break you needed!
ReplyDeleteBB is very lucky to have you as her mum.
Thanks for letting us know where to get the saltwater's from... I have been searching high and low for these for ages!
Your toes are gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteYou will probably loose it again, it is hard, but you do a wonderful job, raising a nice and kind kid (and the earth needs it so much!).
I ask regurlarly to my husband to take at least the two oldest ones for a few days far. So I can stay 'quiet' with baby. And soon baby will be able to go with papa too. Hourra!
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have my break downs but I try to hide them. I'm afraid people will think I don't love being a mother. It's good to know I'm not alone :)
ReplyDeleteWell done Anna on having 'me time' so glad you enjoyed it and feel better for it. It is so hard breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping and babies are very busy. I've experienced many an evening where I've gone to bed without having anything to eat due to one of my little ones taking along time to settle. Your doing a brilliant job with your lovely little one and I hope you have a great week, take care xx
ReplyDeleteOMG!!! You ahve such beaaautiful pictures here. Ifound your blog from somewhere (Dun remember where). But i am in LOVE. I did not find a 'Follow' widget anywhere so could not. But i will certainly be visiting often now. And that baby...is A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E
ReplyDeleteNo words. Thank you for all that loveliness. I have already read all the archives here.
xx
Im so happy that you're feeling lighter and brighter this evening. Everyone needs a break sometimes and I can only imagine how crazy things must get for you. Your honesty is a complete inspiration though and your posts are always so beautifully written. Your Bears are so lukcy to have you xx
ReplyDeleteps. loving the blue toes...how can things be grey with such bright toes, eh! x
Hi, I just started reading your blog. It's lovely and honest and interesting.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me cry because it is so very very familiar. Yeah, I"ve bitten my arm a few times too. there's some dents in the worktop where I've slammed a saucepan down because the baby's woken up again while I'm trying to feed myself.
I thought I might be irrevocably insane after having babies, but turns out, now they're 6 and 3, I'm *almost* sane again.
your new blue toe nails make me happy and i hope they make you happy too.
ReplyDeletebeing a mom is the most challenging job there is! some moms do it with no problem, i'm not one of those moms.
i have had my melt downs. it's good to make the time to take the time to yourself.
we are moms but we are still individuals who need "our" time.
http://lilmuselily.com/
so hard to be everything to someone. I always beg for time alone and then marvel at how little time it takes to feel better. sometimes i feel like an alien when alone in the world, and wonder what i used to do to pass the time, then i know it's time to go back home.
ReplyDeletethe toes look great!!
I so feel you.
ReplyDeleteI am making a break for it tonight. Going out by myself to an art opening. Had to specifically ask poor husband not to come with kiddos in tow so I could have some much needed alone time and feel like a human being again!
Just a couple more days to go before you have some alone-time... Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI love the sandals by the way! Thank heaven they ship internationally! I might order them, although... it's fall here... so... I should rather think of ordering some rubber boots.
Oh, how I wish it was still summer!
oh babe. i know that feeling so so well. i got a bit upset reading this too.
ReplyDeleteit's not easy being a mother, rewarding, yes, but easy, not so much - and that takes some getting used to i think. it does get easier, but maybe that's the wrong word, it changes, the challenges are different, nothing stands still for too long. maybe it isn't the same way for everyone. i love my girl so much, so fiercely, but sometimes, i could bite my entire arm off and even hers too. NOT THAT I WOULD!
p.s. see that Flora up there *points*, she's a real actual friend of mine! and we both love your blog!!
me time is SO essential.. the trick is to do it before your really need it.. like eating before you get too hungry! i love your toes.
ReplyDeleteOn days like that, when you are unable to get out for a break, I highly recommend an impromptu dance party. Works every time...Put on your favorite tunes and let go.
ReplyDeletepretty pretty toes. perfect colour for mood lightening. happy weekend! happy canadian thanksgiving! xo
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got some much needed alone time...sometimes a girl just needs a break!
ReplyDeleteI really liked what you said about letting go of expectations being the key. Not easy to do, and it takes practice. I know you don't have much time to read right now (understatement of the year??), but have you ever read any Buddhism books? I love Charlotte Joko Beck...easy little vignettes on Zen Buddhism in her books.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, can totally relate to the feeling of losing it. Thank you for sharing the good, bad & ugly of motherhood. It's not all roses, but of course so worth it. It helps to hear others going through similar struggles!
Love the toes! XOXOaly
I love how honest you are - I seriously laughed (and maybe teared up a little) through this post. I've had a meltdown or two (or twenty) when it was completely awkward and inappropriate, but you gotta do what you gotta do. :) I'm so happy you had some time to unwind - and your toes are fabulous!!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, sounds like you had a bit of a crappy night. I think they are always compounded when you are flying solo and husband is out. Good on you for going out and making yourself feel better, something all us Mamas need to do. As per usual, thanks for your honesty. Refreshing and appreciated x
ReplyDeleteGood on you for taking some needed "you" time. Sometimes being a mum can just be so damn hard .... much harder than we ever realise before we are one. But, we can only do so much. Oh... I think your toes look ACE!! I normally paint mine an orangey red colour but you have inspired me to give another colour a go.
ReplyDeleteHope today is fantastic for you!
Anna, I can totally relate to the whole expectations concept. BC (before child), I considered myself a fairly efficient 'doer', and thrived from achieving mini goals each day. When Oliver came along, I was knocked sideways by how hard it was to achieve even simple things like having a shower or getting dressed (no, I didn't believe the stories I'd heard while pregnant). He's almost five months old now, and even now I occasionally have days where I don't even get to brush my teeth! When Oliver was about 2 months old, I admitted cheerfully to a friend (who has since given birth to her own son), that I had about one mini-meltdown a week. She gave me a look that suggested she though about making a phone-call to the authorities ;-) I think she now understands what I meant.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to hear you got time to yourself (and more importantly, that you spent the time so wisely)! I had my very first child-free event on Sunday night – a tantric practices workshop for a friend's hens night. It should have been a hoot, but it went on till way past my bedtime (even then I had to bail halfway through!), and I couldn't stop worrying bout whether I had left enough milk behind! So sad, I know!
It's a cliche but it does go fast. The co- sleeping is great but when it starts to get diffiicult it's ok to ease off. I did it with twins and had a lot of sleep / human dummy issues. I didn't do it with my last because my back couldn't handle it. She is just as happy and a lot better with sleeping independently. I did it for a year but the sleep disruption just got too much. We give our babies so much of ourselves (as we should) but sometimes you simply have to put your own well being first to be reasonable parents.
ReplyDeleteregardless of our parenting decisions and attempt to hold it together - sometimes those emotions get the better of us hey! trust in the knowledge that all mothers have experienced this type of overwhelming feeling and cried and had many a meltdown! Hope your feeling better and those blue toes look smashing!!!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, I still have those meltdown moments, and my kids are grown ... I always seem to have mine when Marks parents visit ...... glad you are feeling better, you really do need a little "me" time we all do. xxx
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say that feeling of desperation and despair goes away but I can't there will be times all through BB's life you feel that way. I think you've handled it magnificently though. And I love those blue toes. You've inspired me to pick up RuSSh again. I'd gone off it a bit - no time, like you, to really enjoy it. I bought Vogue this week but as yet haven't even really flipped through. I have made some time this weekend for it. :) No more biting. Ouch.
ReplyDeleteOh expectations. You hit the nail on the head with that one. Thank you for being real and honest. I hope you continue to feel the lightness and happiness.
ReplyDeleteoh anna, after scanning all the comments, i think we all want to send you a big hug! man, we've all been there & you did the absolute perfect thing.. a little mama time out is so essential. it might only happen once in a blue moon, but it is so liberating, not having a pram/ baby bjorn/ sling attached to you & feel like an ordinary member of the public, free to languish in your favourite store/ park/ salon! i remember when m was a baby, i would feel like a prisoner released just going to the supermarket and wandering the aisles at my own leisure. so sad! now i'm a little wiser & book something to look forward to every few weeks. massage, pedicure, movie on my own. it's been a while now i come to think of it! think i'll try and manage going to the movies on the weekend.. it's tricky when breastfeeding & they're so attached. time for charlie to try a bottle of expressed breastmilk me thinks :) x captn
ReplyDeleteHi Anna
ReplyDeleteBeen reading your blog for a wee while now but have to comment on this post.
Everyone up above has said it all really, about how important 'me' time is and what a great job you're doing being a Mum so I just want to add a little mantra for you - when things get really tough I used to just say over and over 'JUST KEEP SWIMMING' - cause eventually you swim your way right out of the toughness.
And it does pass, though normally into other things to melt down about LOL - mine are 15 and 13 now and I still find it hard to believe that time went so fast!!
Lisa
PS - Loving the blue toes :-)
I love your honesty - the blue toes are out of this world, i'm definitely booking in for the blue toe treatment!
ReplyDeleteI use the same mantra as Lisa "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" in those moments of despair I can manage a little smile. LB also sees these moments coming and will say "just breathe mum".
ReplyDeleteI can only image how hard it must be not having that time to yourself at night. I have to have my girls in their own beds by 7.30 I need that space, to recharge, its my coping mechanism. I don't think I'm being selfish in fact I'm self nurturing, and as a wife and mother it took me a while to work out how important it is do that for myself.
I hope you have/ find your coping mechanism and if the result is such gorgeous toes I may take a leaf out of your book. Its a tough job, and your doing it so well xo
no expectations is definitely the way to go. especially when travelling! you need to book in some more 'you' time lady, even if it's just a swim or - like you did already - a solo trip to a cafe/shop...just to switch off, tune out and breathe sans bub. once you charge those batteries you can cope with anything.
ReplyDeletexxx
man i miss russh, thanks for reminding me, ha! x
i hear you darling.
ReplyDeletei'm in ze same boat with ze co-sleeping & baby awaking when i'm not beside her. do you lay next to her for naps as well? i usually do, because it gets her to nap for longer. my ostara is a month younger than bb. it's hard work, and i'm feeling like the last 6 months is starting to catch up with me. i've started going to a counsellor each week just to blurt it all out, and get a weekly massage as well. NEEDED. holy dinger this is hard work. i just remember to mantra over and over: it will get easier, it will get easier...
much love to you from up the coast, amazing woman!
love,
leonie
Hi Anna,
ReplyDeleteI have drawn so much strength from your blog since I was also pregnant and loved watching you go through a same steps, a few weeks ahead. The least I can do is offer this resourse: www.thesleepstore.co.nz.
It was recommended by our natural birthing instructor, sleep is so important! Some of it will be useful for your family, some will not. Personally, references to getting a tiny baby to 'sleep through the night' give me the heeby jeebies. But they have some interesting ideas about sleep deprivation, and the impact of this on mothers... and of course ways to help baby sleep.
Kia kaha, to you and all the women who are just trying to strike a balance in the wonderful world of motherhood.
Your pedi looks a lot nicer that my sh*t one by the way. I had a funny experience yesterdat that I just posted about.
ReplyDeletey-ouch! biting your arm : )
ReplyDeletethis is what i imaging me being a mum will be like because i have these moments when no kids are involved. and tonight i came home from a big work day to cat spew on the carpet in two separate places. after cleaning this then cooking dinner, actually during the cooking of dinner - more spew and cleaning, after dinner - more of the same. while i carefully watched our kitty in concern (she seems fine now) i was screaming in my head and biting my lip in frustration however all the while reserving a thought of geez how do mothers do it im sure a baby spews more than 4 times a day, how the frig will i cope - now i know a pedi and massage chair do wonders hehe : )
pretty toes xx
I know its all been said above but... It really is tough, at times. Some days are raelly shitting and I think we should be able to say that. At mothers group with my first baby I talked about how crap some days where. People thought I was a crazy woman. But, later, a couple of mama's came and thanked mr for being honest about how hard it all can be at times.
ReplyDeleteAnd we all need a break. I am also the human dummy every night to 5 month old Louis and you know, some nights, I too feel like screaming!
And I love the toes!
xxx
Hi Anna
ReplyDeleteYour post is honest and all mamas i think can relate. My kiddos are bigger than your BB (3 boys, the youngest is now 4). I wanted to share something with you that I'm working on. It is absolutely essential for us to get away for a breather, as everyone above agrees...Here's the thing that's Really Challenging (for me at least); which is to find a way to be a mama, to do your daily "work" in a way that really feeds you- not in a way that feels like you should be doing it, or like it's the right way to do something, but actually in a way that feels completely nourishing for you. For me this means often being with my good friends who have kids too, as we get to know each other and our kids and share lots of the joy- then there's less watching the clock waiting for husband to arrive home and I get the fun of watching my kids have fun with other kids. It is REALLY difficult for me to parent at home, alone, every day. I go nuts, and I think this is quite natural. So that would be my suggestion. You might already be doing this...Anyway, maybe this will help you, as it's beginning to really help me. Also a great book to read could be The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson. If nothing else, it might give you a good laugh.
Blessings to you, your blog is beautiful.
oh i meant to write this eons ago but have you ever flicked through a copy of dumbo feather? it doesnt come out very often but is such a great read. i too used to love ruush. and still do but dont like the $150 subscription price to germany. ouch. and frankie gets sent to in laws who post it over every 2 months. bless em xxx
ReplyDeleteOh lady, I'm so sorry it had to get to that point. Glad you managed to take some time out for yourself, though.
ReplyDeleteAlso, fabulous toes.