I mentioned recently that the next thing I will lose is my mind. Today I almost got there.
I was talking to a good friend yesterday about expectations – and that as a mother to avoid frustration and disappointment it's better to have very little, if any. I have begun to put this into practice, but still find myself thinking I can achieve more than I'm capable of – which truth be told isn't very much.
I am lucky with her sleeping. Co-sleeping ensures that she sleeps through the night (albeit attached to my breast). It also means that until I go to bed she will stir every so often. Some nights are worse than others, but the evening sees me intermittently on human-dummy duty. PB was out last night and I didn't have too much on the agenda. Dinner and then if she allows I'll do some work and catch up on some emails. No expectations. Right?
Wrong. Dinner was an expectation that little BB was intent on shattering. Over an hour to cook some steak and broccoli. In retrospect it's not even that bad, but after 7 months of not having a break I was about to break. At one point I bit into my upper arm so hard to stop myself from screaming. Felt great at the time but I wouldn't recommend it. Teeth marks aren't a good look.
This morning I thought I felt better, but by midday I was again beside myself with despair. And for no good reason. PB's family had come to visit so I thouht that would be the perfect time to have a meltdown. Because really, that's not awkward at all.
Much needed me time happened there and then. I excused myself – actually, they just left while I hid in the bedroom crying – and I headed out for a couple of hours. I got myself a magazine. Sat at a cafe and had a coffee. Went for a walk. Looked in some shops. Tried on some clothes. Got back in touch with PB and all was good, I could have another hour. So I went and got myself some kerazy blue toes and soaked up that massage chair.
And damn I feel good tonight. Lighter. Happier. My dinner got interupted again several times, but it didn't bother me at all.
PS. Saltwater Sandals now available in kids and adult sizes at Little Pinwheel. (They ship internationally, too).
PPS. I've not been that into it lately, but I have to say I really enjoyed the current issue of Russh Magazine.