I feel like I've tried everything and I'm tired of hearing myself constantly saying No. No hitting. Say sorry. Gentle hands. (And so on...) Thing is she's a bright little button and she knows it's wrong. I watch her and I see she can't help it. If you ask her why the child standing next to her is crying she'll tell you, Hit! and apologise immediately. After reading and re-reading this I've decided to take a gentler approach and stop treating her like the bad guy and empower her to understand the intensity she feels. Sometimes that can be tricky, especially in a public situation where parent of crying child is waiting for you to reprimand your little thug. Today a (bigger) girl fiercely screamed in BB's face for incing towards the piece of play equipment she was taking sole ownership of and BB retorted by giving her a deft right-hander. The little girl went crying to her mother who consoled her by reiterating that BB had hurt her. I bent down to BB's level, spoke calmy, firmly and quite audibly to those around me: You didn't do anything wrong to her. She was yelling at your face. I understand that made you feel angry. It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to hit. Next time you feel like that you can walk away. Let's go over to the swings.
She might not understand it all just yet, but one day the penny will drop (hopefully) and she'll be able to manage her anger without hitting. I don't want her to get a bad label. She's a really good girl, her energy is a beautiful thing but during times of frustration it manifests itself in violence, which is not very cool.
PS. And seriously – I'm going to have a little vent here – Playground Politics (as the term gets thrown around) they shouldn't exist! If it you're not willing to share it LEAVE IT AT HOME. Simple. How can we expect our children to share all of their stuff but the minute they touch someone else's toy they get reprimanded? Surely that must be confusing.
I SO know what you mean about playground politics. It is all arse about. I wouldn't share my car with any old sod - so I lock it up. I'm happy to share my bucket and spade with anyone so it comes with us to the park.
ReplyDeleteAnd absolutely do not get me started on parents who respond to dobbing. Can't abide a dobber.
I didn't have a hitter - but I do have a snatcher. I go with the Triple P idea that distraction and explanation are the gold standards in all situations. Like you said, they might not get it - but at some point they will learn to manage their disappointment in a socially acceptable (and yet personally empowering) way.
Big love to you, Mama Bear.
Big feelings are so overwhelming to little ones aren't they? But giving those feelings a name and letting them know that you get those feelings too and can handle them is really important I think. And I totally agree, with time she will understand what you mean.
ReplyDeleteI do the same thing. I try to take Cohen a few steps away from the situation, get down on his level and talk to him about pushing/ snatching/ not sharing/dumping a bucket of water over a child's head and talk to him about how he is feeling and how the other person is feeling and what to do next. If he keeps repeating behaviour that I'm not happy with and he understands it, I let him know that we will go home if it happens again (usually after it has happened twice.) I always keep my word. We have left mid birthday party, mid shopping, mid playgroup.
Cohen had a little friend who always bit the other children when she was frustrated - if they took a toy, got too close, ignored her. Once she was able to communicate more, using more words and being understood, she stopped biting.
And yes, playgrounds have two sets of rules. Rules for your child and rules for everyone else. No wonder they get frustrated!
All the best lovely Mama.
Your girl, she is spirited. And that is a wonderful thing. She'll get there with the not hitting, in the meantime I kind of love her (god knows I want to hit people, A LOT.)
ReplyDeleteCommendable response Mama Bear. I absolutely would have done the same.
ReplyDeletei totally agree, if you are not willing to share your toys at the playground, leave them home.
ReplyDeletei also think that every child goes through a hitting stage. Lily still tries to smack when she gets frustrated or angry.
If a toy is discarded in a playground, it is fair game.
ReplyDeleteIf a child is playing with a toy, it is not OK to grab it. It is OK to sit next to that child, watch them and hope they might share, let you join in.
Older children should not, under any circumstances bully or intimidate younger children.
The mother of that screaming child sounds like a complete b***h. Her child was in the wrong!
thanks for writing about the hard stuff too. she will get through this!
ReplyDeleteOh, Anna! How I can relate. My almost 2 year old is also a physical little being. He hits, grabs and bites out his frustrations - me, others, himself. He, too, understands the wrong doing and will announce "time out!" after hurting another and take himself to a corner until he feels he's served due punishment. It's the toughest as a Mom to communicate appropriately to the little: relate to their anger, give them control and encourage a strong sense of self all the while still making an impression that the aggression to others is NEVER OK.
ReplyDeleteRecently we had a family dinner with my lifelong best friend. Her 3yr old daughter takes Cash's toys, yells at him and growls at him regularly. It feels to me to be a normal reaction to a sibling like relationship. Occasionally Cash retaliates with a quick pulling of the hair, push or whatnot. This friend of mine, after one such incident, grabbed Cash's arm and screamed in his face how naughty and mean he is. OOf! We've since resolved some tension, but not after I interviewed each of Cash's teachers and the school psychologist and shared the findings with said friend. Everyone I spoke with said, "he's a nice boy, he's a sweet child, This Behavior Is Age Appropriate." And offered advice along the lines of the article you linked.
Parent Politics and Playground Politics are Tough. I'm not convinced things will get easier, we'll just grow into new challenges of a spirited child and tackle those.
All in all, thank you for sharing your stories of life with BB. I relate on so very many levels. That BB is quite clearly a nice child, a sweet little girl and acting Age Appropriately.
I think the hitting is normal. My son is going through the same phase (though more pushing than hitting). As we know, toddlers don't control their emotions so I never ask my son to say sorry when he hits someone, especially because he has no idea what the word "sorry" really means. Instead, I show empathy, explain the situation, tell him that hitting is wrong and suggest (depending on who's fault it was) that he gives the child a hug if he wants to - which he usually does. Teaching him empathy seems to me, more important than saying sorry.
ReplyDeleteAs for the whole sharing concept, it is a strange thing. I have to admit that if my son doesn't want to share his toy, I don't make him (unless of course, he was not playing with it). We adults don't share our "toys" so why do we insist on children sharing theirs? Again, I feel it is more a question of learning empathy than sharing. I won't express myself well enough, but basically these articles explain pretty well how I feel about sharing and saying sorry.
I think your approach to BB's hitting is the right one. It is not her fault. She is little. She doesn't control her feelings. And clearly, that other kid was bullying her up by yelling in her face like that. No wonder BB smacked her!
ps: huh, playgrounds - another reason why I want to bid farewell to city living (I h*te them!).
This post is so fucking good and right and for me, so needed. I want it shared on EVERY mummy blog in every country everywhere. Yet another bravo to you and how you live.
ReplyDeleteone of the best tips about raising my little girl was to take her out of the situation and kneel down, face to face.
ReplyDeleteIt makes ALL the difference when you get her out of the angry/confusing/whatever situation (maybe next door or even just a few steps further away) and explaining things one-on-one WITHOUT everybody around listening and giving advises themselves.
It must feel absolutely horrible to those little munchkins, those situations.
It is a tough one though!
Sometimes I`m still struggeling here too...
Good luck with your little, beautiful girl. She`ll get the twist, soon. I know it.
P.S.: Totally with you with the Playground politics. Same applies to kindergarten. Where is the freaking point taking something to a place full of kids that is totally sacred and precious to your child??? It will get touched/ sneaked away/ broken (worst case). So simply leave. it. home.
I've started telling Olive how lovely and friendly and sharing she is all the time. Because I heard her tell people over and over "I hit clover and I push clover" - and it broke my heart that I'd given her that label! I think telling her those positive things helped to remind me, too. It sounds like you're handling it so well Anna. Kellie xx PS standing up to an older, bigger kid? Yeah! Go BB!
ReplyDeleteI'm at the opposite end of the spectrum, mumma to a beautiful little sensitive being who is sometimes afraid of everything that moves! Some days he's braver and more willing to go and have a play with the other kids but he prefers his personal space and gets very frightened of other kids, especially if they're on the spirited side. He tells me sometimes 'are you a bit scared of the little boy/vaccum cleaner/inanimate object?' (he phrases things as a question instead of a statement... cute.) So very often there's lots of hand holding, gentle encouragement and slowly introducing him to new people and situations.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard when other parents look at you like you've done something wrong because your child isn't like their child. It's so sad that the harshest critics are other parents themselves. I wish we could all just give each other a knowing smile in the playground and deal with the kid we've got the best we know how. Accepting, loving and acknowledging who and how they are honestly, fairly and with love.
My beautiful friend has a spirited little boy and she is constantly being judged, sometimes to the point where it makes her cry. Makes me sad.
Good for you. 'Tis hard. 'Tis really hard. I can't say it gets easier - a friend and I were discussing this just the other day - but sounds to me like you're rolling with the punches, excuse the pun.
ReplyDeleteI leave the playground a cranky mama too many times. I just don't get why some parents lack basic empathy and understanding. Shouldn't they be part of Parenting 101? And you're right Anna, it shouldn't have to be that way.
ReplyDeleteBB just doesn't know how to control such strong, confusing and overwhelming emotions but it sounds like you're doing a great job helping her. She'll get there but don't ever feel like the hitting is a reflection of you as a mum. Kids seem to either hit or cry when in response to conflict. It's not as if we choose one or the other. Unfortunately the hitters always get the bad rap.
Love how you handled 'the screamer'. xx
You have made my day by writing this post, and all of the wonderful comments. I could write a very lengthy comment about my experiences with Parent/playgroup politics, but I would probably run out of space!
ReplyDeletexx
dear anna! i adore your honesty and the way you talked to your daughter. it's not always easy to find the right words in a situation like this. thanks for sharing- you are an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteclara
Super post, thanks for being sooooooooo honest! I can only agree with you, and yes, you did exactly what you had to do. All children go through these phases, but some parents seems to forget it very fast once they have moved to a new phase (crazy how people forget these moments so fast!. I hate playgrounds, it seemed they are filled with parents who desperatly don't want to be there, avoid any kind of conversation, and when they do it's to compare their little ones to yours!!!
ReplyDeletePlaygrounds are hard work. My little one is 22 months. If I'm not trying to keep her away from getting a kick to the head from walking in front of the swings, I'm trying to keep her out of some other kid's lunchbox (she really will eat their entire lunch), or keeping track of whose dune buggy she has taken off with. (why don't people label these....)
ReplyDeleteIt's hard when your little one is the hurter, and its hard when they are the hurtee. I think we just do the best we can in the moment.
Its a constant learning for us as mothers and parents. I remember recently being at a busy park and this slightly older kid just came up behind my girl and pushed her from behind. hard. about three times. she fell over. Totally unprovoked. The kid literally ran across the playground to her! She didn't cry, she just got up and kept walking but looked so bewildered. The other kids parent just ran across, scooped him up, didn't say a thing to us. My husband and I just asked her if she was ok, and let her continue playing, but later that night she talked a lot about "boy" and "push".
I was so worried she was going to be traumatised by this. Heck I know I would be if some random person came out of nowhere and shoved me hard to the ground so I fell over. Is it any different for them?
I know its all part of growing up, and I'm a big believer in trying to let kids sort out their own playground interactions, but I'm new at this too and sometimes my gut instinct is to want to use expletives - and I guess we have to be kind to ourselves as we navigate it with our children.
I really struggle with the sharing thing, too. I have this feeling that whenever my daughter touches someone else's toy that I'm expected to fly over there and reprimand her...but if someone else's kid comes over I should remind her to share, share, share. I totally agree that it must be confusing. Especially without sophisticated language to express emotions. I feel for these kiddos. It's not always easy being small.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree and admire this post. My bubs not at this stage yet, she's only 10 months old. But there are plenty of little tantrums for not getting her way and I can see that I will have to implement a similar stratagy when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, thanks for sharing. :)
Bek xx
Oh Boy do I agree with your post - while my children are a little older now, my boy especially was VERY spirited and a hitter so I know what you mean.
ReplyDeleteAs for the sharing - also agree. I had a friend who when we visited let her kids pick one toy that didn't have to be shared, yet when they visited here she would tell my children off if they didn't share - her logic on that one was too confusing for me, let alone the kids!!
oh man, kids are kids. sometimes little angels with happy glowing faces full of joy & sometimes little shits. x captn
ReplyDeleteI love that you are posting about this anna, reading most of these comments reminds me that our childrens behaviour is age appropriate and NORMAL. Most mothers won't tell you that their kids behave like this, even my best friends don't share this kind of info- i'm so grateful for an open dialogue here.
ReplyDeleteThanks other blog mums and thanks rumballs.
xxx
"If it you're not willing to share it LEAVE IT AT HOME" - I couldnt agree more with that. I'm not a mom yet, but a nanny and I've had so much trouble with it. Both ways.
ReplyDeleteThe little girl that I used to watch was also in this hitting phase, especially with her twin brother. It's hard and frustrating when you keep telling them not to hit. We kept telling her that there were other ways of expressing anger and that it was okay to be angry. She would stomp her foot on the floor to relieve her emotions. And after she was able to talk a little more and was able to express her frustration verbally, things got a lot better!
Good luck!
I really appreciate you sharing this. Someone once explained to me, "People are created with the ability to throw, but not be hit." I also had a hitter and found that having her throw a ball several times inthe corner after hitting someone to be surprisingly effective in helping her channel her physical energy. As she got older, her words took their place and she was able to verbalize when unfair or poor behavior of others would make her angry.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and I agree with letting her know you understand the reason why she got mad. It's ok to feel! Let's go throw a ball to blow off some steam!
Sometimes I read posts and go away for a bit before coming back to comment... but on this occassion, in the midst of christmas madness, I didn't make it back...until now. Just wanted to thank you for sharing all of your experiences. Your approach makes total sense... it won't be long before Rosie can manage and express her frustrations in appropriate ways. By treating her with Respect, she will learn to respect.
ReplyDeleteIt's really all about leading by example, isn't it? You are doing an amazing job, Anna xxx
My little one is going through a very similar phase. He's 19 months and a hitter, pusher and biter. For him, it's because he doesn't say many words and the aggression is a result of his inability to communicate his feelings. We're going to work on teaching him more sign language until the words start coming, but it still hurts my heart as a mama to see him so rough with other children. Your post made me feel like I'm not the only one out there going through this. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHey Anna,
ReplyDeleteSorry you guys are still in this phase. I wish I had some advice on the topic, but sadly I can only commiserate as my 18 mth old is quite similar.
And my goodness, can I just share an experience with you?
One day at the playground my daughter saw a bunny in the basket of a bike. She went over and plucked it right out of the basket. The bunny's owner (a babe close to 4) began crying and promptly her mama came over and began to scold my 18 mth old. I got so defensive, and it hurt to see my child yelled at by another person, especially at a place where I want her to feel completely safe and expressive. However she was scared.
I wish we could all make it easier on one another as parents.
I completely agree that this is hard. The hitting and anger.
Keep hanging on mama. BB is beautiful.
Hi there, I am new to your blog but have been reading through your posts and loving it! So thanks for sharing. I have a 1 yr old and can see what a big year we have ahead of us. Exciting and daunting. I already struggle with playground politics - clashing with other parents behaviour is really tough to manage. Exhausting, juggling your own child and the other parents! Your daughter looks like an absolute sweetheart and you are clearly doing an amazing job. She's a lucky girl.
ReplyDelete