Me: How was pre-school?
BB: It was so fun. Olivia and Lauren were there.
Me: Did you play with them?
BB: No, I just played by me-self.
Since my pregnancy with that little sprog up there, PB and I have been quiet advocates for natural birth. We've never pushed our ideas onto anyone, but have gently encouraged pregnant friends to empower themselves with knowledge rather than getting lost in the medical system for healthy, natural pregnancies. We have also always said that hospitals and surgery have their place too, for the small percentage of women who genuinely do fall into a high risk category.
Sadly, this time around that includes us.
I've had a few more bleeds since the shocker last year, mostly minor – until last week. Thankfully nothing like the initial one, but substantial enough for concern. As the bleeding stopped quickly and baby kept moving we felt we could manage it ourselves, choosing to stay away from the hospital this time and opting for a private scan the following day. Unfortunately my placenta is still well over the cervix, and actually appears to be getting pulled further across as my uterus expands. (The baby however, is doing a fantastic jobs of growing and being in the healthy range it needs to be).
Even after the scan we were still hopeful, until a meeting with our dear trusted midwife confirmed that sadly, it is unlikely to move away – making homebirth and natural birth no longer a safe option. I've also been ordered strict rest to avoid any more bleeds, as at this stage it would mean hospitilasation for the remainder of the pregnancy – or at worst a pre-term delivery. Every bleed is the result of the placenta coming away a little, not good news for anyone. Previous visualisations consisted of the placenta moving upwards and away. Current visualisations are of it staying firmly stuck down.
The emotions I'm feeling right now aren't even cohesive enough to put down into words, a mix of sadness, loss, anger, confusion and fear. I keep asking myself what I did to deserve this beautiful event being taken away from my family and I, even though logically I know things don't work like that.
I loved my first pregnancy so much that since then it has always saddened me to hear women say that they can't wait for it to be over. Despite this birth having to be a surgical one, and my restrictions on movement which prevent me frolicking around like a pregnant summer fish, I'm determined to find a calm place in the near future where I can enjoy the remainder of this magical time growing a human in my belly, and be at peace with and surrender to our situation.
Oh, I'm so sad to hear that things have been so rough Anna. I remember with Georgie, I felt so disappointed that I wasn't able to revel in the glorious joys of pregnancy... kept waiting for things to get easier so that I could find that place, and accpeting, deep in my third trimester, that it wasn't going to happen. Such a rip-off somehow. And giving up home-birth must be such a blow for you guys. Still, eyes on the prize. Hang in there. xxxx
ReplyDeleteI remember how disappointed I was to learn that I would need a c-section. I was only a couple weeks from my due date, and it took me about a week to reset my perspective and get okay with the new reality. I felt a little panicky about the whole thing, but the nurses and doctors could not have been kinder. I was lucky to have a very good hospital experience. It was not my first choice, but it ended up being the best choice. I wish the same for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you read Elizabeth Anotonia's blog - the littlest but she also had to have a c-section recently, having wanted to have a natural birth. I found her words inspiring and wish you well on your journey. Remember be kind to yourself. You're doing your best. This probably won't make you feel better but having being told a few years ago now, that I will have to have a c-section when I get pregnant (due to previous medical problems) I am glad that I can learn from people who are also advocates of natural childbirth about how they went about things. I guess the most important thing is to look after ourselves and look after our babies. It is also good to realise that our babies come to us in a variety of ways and we are so lucky if they can ever be borne to us healthy. Best of luck Anna. You're doing so well.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thelittlestblog.com/2012/10/when-life-gives-you-breech-baby.html
Em, that should be Antonia's x
ReplyDeleteHi Anna, I had a joyous natural home birth with my first son, and an emergency Caesarean with my second, when at the 11th hour it turned out he was not only enormous (which was already obvious!) but also extended breech (bottom down, legs outstretched - so his feet were at the top of my bump and even fooled our brilliant pro-homebirth midwife), and eventually became distressed. The team were calm and reassuring, explaining everything, and I felt very involved and respected - they dropped the curtain so I could see him be born, and my husband was there throughout.
ReplyDeleteI was very disappointed at the time, but obviously it had to be, as anything else would have been dangerous for my son (and pretty uncomfortable for me). In hindsight - the boys are 7 and nearly 9 now - I actually feel quite privileged to have experienced two such different births. I bonded with both babies exactly as much as the other, and feeding was no harder. The silver lining was a couple of days in hospital to be peaceful my younger boy, away from a curious toddler, who had loads of fun with his dad and extended family.
I hope all goes smoothly for you and your family.
What a beautiful passage and very wise words. Wishing you strength over the next few months :) - I know it will be worth everything once he/she arrives!
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine the array of thoughts and feelings you are having now - but your positive outlook is incredibly moving.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes for an uneventful rest of your pregnancy and happy, family centered birth (despite it perhaps not being how you had hoped.)
<3
I am 37 weeks along and hoping my first is a natural delivery. But I have come to terms with the fact that things happen, and if it has to be a c-section, that's ok too...
ReplyDeleteThe doula who taught our childbirth prep class reminded us recently that in either event, we are still bringing our baby into the world, and it's still a beautiful thing.
Be choosy about who your doctor is. Someone who understands your frustration with the situation and who will explain everything to you in a respectful manner.
Wishing you loads of joy :)
You are really lucky to have realized the merits of natural childbirth and to have experienced it with BB. It's a shame that our medical system (especially in the US) pushes even low-risk deliveries to be so medicalized. BUT, if you are high-risk, there's nothing wrong with finding a doctor you trust and accepting what modern medicine can do to provide a safe delivery. In the end, you will have a beautiful baby. Hugs. <3
ReplyDeleteI agree, Anna, I hope that in the weeks to come you will find a deep feeling of acceptance and peace about the arrival of your new baby. I have also had the joy of beautiful home birth experiences and have feared having my plan derailed and having to going to the hospital. What grace you have in this situation to work toward that during a difficult time. I don't know if I would handle it as well. Let yourself feel what you need to feel and grieve if you need to. None of the feeling you have as this unfolds are wrong. I will remember to pray for you., that you will have health and strength physically and emotionally to get you through this time. Do what you can to make the experience your own and to be proactive in your care and you will know you have done everything the best you can. I look forward to "meeting" your new baby, who will be born into a loving and gentle family no matter where that may occur. <3, Amber
DeleteAnna, I have been enjoying your beautiful blog for all of three years now, reading it from across the Pacific in Santa Monica, CA. I rarely comment, but this situation warrants some words of encouragement. Your blog, of many that I follow, is my favorite. I grow weary of others, as they become ever more candy-coated and structured. I find the opposite in yours, as I imagine it more of an ongoing letter to those close to you and your family, made public for a grateful audience. And we are grateful because you are so relatable and honest, and we find bits in pieces of our own lives that mirror what you've made apparent about yours. In short, I find Rummey Bears a beautiful reminder that we are not alone in our day to day highs and lows. And that means you are not alone either.
ReplyDeleteThe blog world is a funny place, as is what to make of the growing role of the internet in general. Yet there is one undeniable positive: the access to an international community of friends (if even they are friends you will never meet face-to-face), that were not available to us before. I hope that, in return for wearing your heart on sleeve, you are able to find some solace in the responses of your readers. What you and your family are going through is an enormous emotional upheaval, and it will be difficult at times to not feel as though you are alone. But you are not alone, you are amongst many, many friends. Love to you and your family, from my family in California.
Casey Ann, this is such a beautiful comment and insight you have into this space it really bought PB and I both to tears. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. xx
DeleteAnna,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that your desire for natural birth isn't going to plan. I know it must feel like it was stolen away from you. I hope you'll see that the positives outweigh the negatives. Your baby is healthy and very soon will be in your arms. Stay strong mama!
Hang in there, lady. I'll send good thoughts out to the universe for the placenta to stay stuck down, too. Kellie xx
ReplyDeleteDear Anna,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this. Leading up to my second pregnancy I had read your blog and other stories of natural birth and I was so pumped to do it too...until I was also diagnosed with CPP. I had bleeds at 29 and 34 weeks (being hospitalized for 5 days each time). I had a C/S at 37 weeks, I cried because I felt like if giving birth was akin to running a marathon, I didn't even get to toe the starting line. But you know, I talked to my anesthetist and nurses beforehand and begged that if all went well that I could skin to skin asap. The baby came out, crying and peed, NICU left the room and before they even weighed him the nurse scooped him up and put him on my chest. He latched instantly, it was so joyous...all this while they where still technically operating (in contrast to my daughter who was born vaginally but for some reason, I had a fever and I did not know better it took 4 hours (!!!!!!) until we were encouraged to try to BF (Ridiculous, I Know).
I healed well and fast, I let pain be my guide to what I could do. Looking back, in a million years I would never choose a C/S over natural birth. I just feel fortunate that I was lucky in an unlucky situation. It could have been a lot worse.
Enjoy this pregnancy, grief as you need to. I will be cheering for you, like all you other bloggy friends.
i was recently having lunch with a friend who happens to be a mid wife and she was saying how she feels women invest so much into the birth when it is only part of the process. she felt we, as women, should be move invested in what will come after the birth. her words spoke to me and maybe they will speak to you. you will still have a beautiful baby, you will get that unforgettable first day with your newborn, those incredibly dreamy first two weeks, and months of the baby haze...invest in that. thinking of you...i know it must be incredibly emotional and scary. Xx
ReplyDeleteOh Anna, I'm sorry to hear things aren't going as smoothly as they did last time around. The beautiful baby in your arms will take away any negatives. Be well and take care. xo
ReplyDeleteawww I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteYou might find some benefit in practicing mindfulness to help reconcile some of these emotions.
http://www.actmindfully.com.au/acceptance_&_commitment_therapy
Peace.
Thanks Lisa, I've been looking into meditation and mindfulness – this like will be great. x
DeleteAnna, i wonder if you can find out more about the birth process of caesarians at your hospital. I say this, because as a midwife i know every hospital has different policies for caesars. Some ensure you and your baby stay together, some leave you in recovery and your baby with their father somewhere else. By finding out about what you can expect and what you would like to happen you may find some beauty in this alternative path. I had my two babies at home and my heart feels your sense of loss. I wonder if your midwife can assist you in this new adventure?
ReplyDeleteThanks Angela, we are actually keeping our private midwife on board and working with a doctor that she's in cahoots with at the local hospital. Hopefully we can simulate the conditions of a quiet natural birth in the theatre as best as possible, within safe boundaries. x
DeleteI'm so glad you're keeping your midwife on board. I think the continuity of care is even more important in situations like yours.
DeleteNo matter what, your baby's birth will be beautiful and special. I too know what it's like to not have the birth you imagined taken away from you. And hopefully, like me, over time and with a lot of thoughts and discussions and de-briefs, you'll come to see that things are exactly as they are meant to be. Best of luck Anna!
oh Anna. happy thoughts to you & your family. wishing & hoping for a beautiful healthy baby & peace as you take this different journey to what you were expecting. sometimes i laugh when health professionals (well meaning, i know!) tell us mums to rest. Wha? What IS rest when you're a mum?? :) i hope you can find it, though!
ReplyDeletewishing you well with the rest of your pregnancy & the birth of your babe - rest up & take it easy x
ReplyDeleteHi Anna. I read your blog since 3 years ago, and as Casey Ann, it is the first time I dare to comment. Yours is one of my most beloved places on internet, because here you can actually read and feel your feelings and thoughts, your best and worst days. It is a place the readers love to come to, because you can't see any artifice. This is a REAL place. I saw little BB growing up, from your belly to this cozy corner of your home. And I can't wish anything but the best. I wish you find the peace during this pregnancy, as you found it with your first one (I actually know you WILL).
ReplyDeleteLove and all the support I can send to you three (from Spain).
Leticia
I am sad to read this today, Anna. I can't speak for the CS experience, but I hope it goes as smoothly as may be for you and the little one. I sincerely hope you and the little one have an uneventful rest-of-pregnancy and enjoy brilliant health afterwards!
ReplyDeleteI have been reading here since you were pregnant with BB, and would echo Casey-Ann's lovely words. Coming to this space is very grounding (I can't think of a better word for what I'm trying to say) and I've long appreciated your honesty and gentleness. I'll be sending the good vibes your way from the other side of the harbour bridge ;-)
i know how hard it is to have your heart set on birth at home, only to have that change. my first baby was an unplanned c-section. it was really hard. my second baby, 8 weeks old tomorrow, i was able to birth in the water and it was just as i had always dreamed. while one birth was preferable to the other, both babies are/were amazing and perfect! birth has taught me that so much is out of my control and to just try to make peace with whatever comes. i'm glad that you are able to prepare yourself in advance for having a different kind of birth than what you originally intended. it will be easier than if it changed in an emergency situation. i don't know about where you live, but in the US some hospitals are doing more family-friendly c-sections, where you still get to do skin-to-skin right away and can choose to decline newborn medications. i made a whole list of my hospital preferences in case my second birth also transferred to the hospital. and after your birth, if you need people to talk to check out http://www.ican-online.org they really helped me process my c-section.
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way as Casey Ann, I love this blog because it is real. You don't sugar coat and make it sound like everything is perfect. I have had hard times with a baby (now 2) who still doesn't sleep through the night and I love having a kinship with mothers from all over the place who keep it real. I also had wanted a home birth and ended up having to go to the hospital to get induced. Not at all what I wanted, but you have to work with what the universe provides!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Mama Bear: I am sorry to hear about these situation and how it goes against all your hopes for natural labor. I want you to know that I had an emergency c-section after 2 hours of active labor my first go around (he is almost 2 years old now). At the time it was go with the scary flow because, safety first, right? The doctor even said "I know this is not what you wanted, but we have to take you to the OR..." Afterwards I felt melancholy, thinking why could I not have experienced the natural birth I had desired... yet at the same time I was so enamoured with the beautiful creature in my arms that the exhilaration and love outweighed that tinge of sadness.
ReplyDeleteI was blessed to be pregnant once more, and just like the first pregnancy, I adored the experienced and savoured each day. With the second pregnancy, I did not experience natural birth either, despite weighting the pros and cons for the second time. It was a difficult decision, but in my town natural birth after cesarian is not easily attempted as few physicians or hospitals will partake.
I've found comfort in the fact that I know not everyone who has desired pregnancy has experienced the joy of it, plus mommy friends and strangers who've adopted are just as much "moms" as those who've delivered naturally. So cesarian should apply, too. It is medically necessary sometimes and for those times that it may or may not be, it is still a physical labor on your body (not easy or pleasant, really) ... and just like labor, for those lucky, a beautiful, healthy baby enters your world and that is where all your thoughts go at that moment. Making the "how" of it all kind of disappear.
Wishing you health and stability in this next phase of pregnancy. And positive energy for healing post cesarian and lots of joy and love when baby arrives. : )
Hi Anna.
ReplyDeleteWishing you lots and lots of relaxation and a safe journey for the remainder of your pregnancy. I hope the fact that the little bebe keeps growing and being determined to thrive can help you through some of the difficult moments of sadness and fear.
My heart melted a little at BB's comment about pre-school. Whilst my youngest has just started high school (sigh) he talks in a similar way of new friends and the transition.
Take care lady.
x Peta
Wow Anna so sorry to read this.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of good thoughts for safe, happy and healthy times. Be gentle and kind to yourself and take care.
I also love the sweet conversation at the top of your post. My husband and I are both introverts. You had me thinking about what future conversations we might be lucky enough to have. I think that BB said, 'It was so fun.' even while playing alone indicates she didn't feel lonely. Which is often the case with introverts.
x Evie
Hey Anna, take care and I hope your little person manages to stay put, healthy and safe as long as possible. I totally feel for your situation, our little dude was double footling breech and it was very hard when my staunch home birth midwife said we would have to listen to the doctors! I was heart broken not to get my home birth, but in the end our scheduled c-section was still amazing. We took along our own music, we had our midwife and a very hip and slightly alarmingly young surgical team and Neko went straight from the surgeon into my partners arms to be bought to me right away (no test or weight in's straight away.)
ReplyDeleteHello Anna. I am moved to comment today as I feel I really want to be truthful. This is a bit long – sorry – so I’ll post it in two lots. When I found myself in a similar situation, I found the line of 'it'll be all ok when you are cuddling your baby' really unsatisfying. I too, am a natural birth advocate - in fact I think I found your blog soon after giving birth to my first child through a search that included a related term. My first pregnancy two and a half years ago was a wonderful one, despite me being a geriatric mother, working really hard through its entirety and being a little unnerved by the thought of becoming a mother. I felt strong, well and really mentally sharp. I gave birth with no pain relief to a 4kg baby girl at 42+6 days (after a lot of strength in resisting extreme pressure to induce) in a small public hospital, with only midwives present, came home a day later and felt astounded and completely shocked by the intensity of giving birth, and the extraordinary pain, but also more elated and proud of my body and my resolve than I have ever been. And deeply, profoundly connected to the bright little person who'd done it too!
ReplyDeleteMy next baby was born by C section, six weeks prem, in a large public teaching hospital after I'd been there for five weeks, having bled first at 29 weeks and never really stopped, formally having nine haemorrhages in that time, spending four different nights in labour ward, trying to stave off labour and emergency c-section, being monitored every four hours throughout the five weeks and being the subject of tension between obstetricians (get it out!) and paediatricians (keep it in!) It was a truly horrible time for everyone, and leaving my little girl for the first time ever, not just overnight but over many many nights, still makes me cry. I held out hope for a natural birth, and while I was well supported in my wishes, my placenta did not migrate at all, was completely covering the os and the baby was a footling breech. At 33 weeks I had a really huge bleed and while I averted the c-section that day by a whisker, was given an ultimatum, so had to schedule one for four days later.
Despite all of the preparation, good support and knowledge I had accrued in hospital, I was really underprepared emotionally for the c section. I hated everything about it, was terrified, extremely upset, felt violated and also very unwell, having a lot of trouble with blood pressure, more bleeding, leading to an awful recovery, transfusions etc. I'm not sure how I could have made myself better prepared emotionally. The anaesthetist was a lovely man and in the end he said the most factual thing that made sense - that my choice was really death or this. And that's about how far I made it emotionally. Its a stark choice, and a no brainer, and to my mind was more satisfying than trying to sugar coat the experience. My baby was premature so was whisked to neo natal nursery, and that was the hardest bit. It couldn't have been more different from the first time round, where I got up, put the baby in a trolley, and walked down to my room with this new person, to feed and love and stare and smile at.
ReplyDeleteI hope your experience is better, and that you can get to more full term so that you can have the baby with you. I hope you find that the c-section is not as scary and confronting as I did. But I just wanted to say that if you don't, you are not the only person. I wish that I could have found someone who said that to me, as I really have felt quite alone in my terror of the whole thing. I also think its ok to hate an experience, as long as you know that all the options were understood. My baby had no problems with breathing, was tube fed with my milk for two weeks, then took to breastfeeding, and is still being fed. She is 14 months old and little but lovely. I feel quite disconnected from her birth, completely unlike my first baby, but also feel that we have had a joint experience that is just different, and connected in other ways.
Good luck, don't worry if you don't process it all before it happens, and if you can manage to find that calm place, I think you are amazing. Please let us know what happens.
Hi Peggy,
DeleteThank you so much for sharing such a personal and heartfelt story here. It must have been such a terrifying and sad experience for you, and I'm so relieved to hear your baby was okay and you both still managed to connect, albeit a different way.
I've actually been hoping to speak with someone who was/is in a similar situation to me (having already had a natural birth and facing a c-section for placenta praevia). I'm finding no comfort in repeatedly being told 'as long as you and the baby are safe that is all that matters'. It actually angers me because yes, it is the most important thing that matters, but it's not the only thing that matters. Retaining dignity and decision-making throughout the process is vital.
My husband has taken a similar approach to your anesthetist, that we should stop thinking 'why us' and start saying 'thank god no one will die'.
I won't write too long a reply here, but if you ever feel like writing/hearing more I'd love to... me email is anna.rummey@gmail.com
Anna I am sorry to hear that you won't be getting the beautiful birth you had with BB. I too had to have a c-section and it was my first. Here in the states VBACS are becoming less and less accepted in hospitals so I may have to have them for each child. I had so many people tell me that at least the baby was healthy which made me feel guilty for the complete terror I felt. It was completely the opposite birth I had wanted. A calm natural birth. If I had to do it again I would go the "Natural c-section" route. Have you heard of this? There is also the assisted cesarian. Don't feel guilty if you hate it. BUT do hold that baby and talk to PB about it. My husband was my savior. It helped so much to talk to him about how I was feeling throughout and afterward. It also helped to kiss on my son anytime I was feeling blue. I love how open you were about this. People often only post about the good and not the troubles that come with real life so thank you. I agree with an above comment Elizabeths blog The Littlest is great encouragement about wanting for something else but seeing the positive in the situation you're in. I would definitely read her latest birth story. I do hope your c-section goes well and I hope you let us know how it goes.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thelittlestblog.com/2012/11/the-fulcrum-francescas-birth-story.html
ReplyDeleteAnna, I too have been reading your blog for 3 years, our little ones were born quite close (Lewis will be 3 in a fortnight). I felt compelled to respond to this post too.
ReplyDeleteI have experienced all of the feelings you have now but the only difference is that it was after the birth of my second child. Like you, I had a fabulous first birth, I felt absolutely empowered and old not wait to experience it again. I was induced the first time so I was excited to go into labour at home the second time around. My plan was to stay at home or as long as possible. My husband took my daughter to his mother's house and while he was gone I had a very strange contraction, when he got back I couldn't move out of bed. Thankfully he took me to the hospital, by the time we got there I couldn't manage to walk. When they checked the heart rate it was low. The amazing, life saving midwife hit the emergency button while she put the ctg on, the heart rate had dropped even more by then. The OB arrived and after a quick check a code 1 Caesar was called (10 minutes to delivery) I was signing consent for a general and I was put under. I woke to the news that I had suffered a placental abruption
My little boy was in special care nursery and may need to be transferred to the city. It was awful. We were so lucky that Ashton was and is ok. The oxygen levels in his chord blood were detrimentally low. I didn't know how to feel. I was so happy that we had a healthy baby but grieved so terribly for the experience we missed out on. My husband had to wait outside and I was knocked out, we were told our baby almost died but we didn't get to see what happened, how he looked. My recovery was long and was mostly mental. I felt completely ripped off but felt guilty saying that because I had my baby.
ReplyDeleteI felt after the birth what you would be feeling now. It sounds like you have a fabulous midwife and a great plan in place, take care and I look forward o hearing your news xx
Andrea, I'm really blown away by your story – it must have been terrifying for you all. I think it's so normal to grieve the experience of natural birth when you miss out on it, even though it's done with a heavy heart because in the end – you do have a healthy baby. It's a very confusing mental situation to be in, riddled with guilt as you mention. I'm so happy that in the end he and you were ok, and I hope you have also mentally healed since the birth. Thanks for your well wishes, I feel lucky that we have support and time to prepare, despite it not being something we would wish for. xx
DeleteIt's been so long since I've been here. Sorry. I moved to Brazil, came back, got pregnant, had a baby, you know life, And then today I was all like, "oh yeah, my google reader." Anyway, your baby girl is no longer a baby. Crazy!
ReplyDeleteHope you have a wonderful delivery. After two natural births I was sure my third would be easy peasy. Nope. I had placenta abruption when my water broke. Rushed to the hospital. Baby was in mega distress, I was hemorrhaging, and I had an emergency c-section. I was, and still am, pretty upset about the whole thing. I keep having to remind myself that if it weren't for my c-section I and my baby would be dead. So yay for modern medicine.
Oh Anna, I am so sorry I have only just read this post. My thoughts are with you, and wish you an easy time in hospital and a healthy baby upon it's arrival ( in whatever way that may be)... xx
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear this. I totally know how you're feeling as I had to have a c section for my first baby (footling breech), when all I wanted was a lovely water birth. Lots of people told me to look on the bright side, and the most important thing is to have a healthy baby etc etc. Of course this goes without saying, all I really wanted was for people to say 'wow that sucks, you must be so disappointed'. I think it's important to have the space to grieve the birth you were wanting.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're ready, and if you're interested you might want to read this article on 'natural caesareans'. My birth story is there too, I hope it helps :)
http://www.birthstories.co.nz/2010/04/natural-caesarean.html