Me: How was pre-school?
BB: It was so fun. Olivia and Lauren were there.
Me: Did you play with them?
BB: No, I just played by me-self.
Since my pregnancy with that little sprog up there, PB and I have been quiet advocates for natural birth. We've never pushed our ideas onto anyone, but have gently encouraged pregnant friends to empower themselves with knowledge rather than getting lost in the medical system for healthy, natural pregnancies. We have also always said that hospitals and surgery have their place too, for the small percentage of women who genuinely do fall into a high risk category.
Sadly, this time around that includes us.
I've had a few more bleeds since the shocker last year, mostly minor – until last week. Thankfully nothing like the initial one, but substantial enough for concern. As the bleeding stopped quickly and baby kept moving we felt we could manage it ourselves, choosing to stay away from the hospital this time and opting for a private scan the following day. Unfortunately my placenta is still well over the cervix, and actually appears to be getting pulled further across as my uterus expands. (The baby however, is doing a fantastic jobs of growing and being in the healthy range it needs to be).
Even after the scan we were still hopeful, until a meeting with our dear trusted midwife confirmed that sadly, it is unlikely to move away – making homebirth and natural birth no longer a safe option. I've also been ordered strict rest to avoid any more bleeds, as at this stage it would mean hospitilasation for the remainder of the pregnancy – or at worst a pre-term delivery. Every bleed is the result of the placenta coming away a little, not good news for anyone. Previous visualisations consisted of the placenta moving upwards and away. Current visualisations are of it staying firmly stuck down.
The emotions I'm feeling right now aren't even cohesive enough to put down into words, a mix of sadness, loss, anger, confusion and fear. I keep asking myself what I did to deserve this beautiful event being taken away from my family and I, even though logically I know things don't work like that.
I loved my first pregnancy so much that since then it has always saddened me to hear women say that they can't wait for it to be over. Despite this birth having to be a surgical one, and my restrictions on movement which prevent me frolicking around like a pregnant summer fish, I'm determined to find a calm place in the near future where I can enjoy the remainder of this magical time growing a human in my belly, and be at peace with and surrender to our situation.